Two Fathers, One Child By: Nani

Imagine having a father that you love SO much. Even though you barely see him, and he’s hardly ever around - your love for him does not change. Imagine loving your dad so much that his absence never changed your love for him at all -  to the point where your heart still craves love from him. Like, whenever your mom got mad at you, like, really mad to the point of punishing you, you’d cry for your dad – the one that was never really there – hoping he would just appear, and come to save you. And even in those moments, laying in bed, with your head buried in your pillow knowing he wasn’t coming – even that did not change the fact that you loved him so much. Imagine feeling that way all your life, and then one day, during what seemed to be a regular car ride with your mom, she tells you the most devastating thing you could ever imagine hearing: that the man you love, the one you long for and cry for actually is NOT your father, and that some man that you’ve never seen or heard of is.

 

When she told me this, it felt like everything stopped.

And at the time, I didn’t know how to feel. I was trying so hard to hold my tears in, but you know when you get that knot in your throat and it’s so painful you just have to let it all out? Yeah, that's what happened to me. Eventually, I just couldn’t hold it in any longer and my face was soaked with tears from bawling my eyes out. I know what you're probably thinking, “Why would she be crying so much if he was never really there for her” or “Girl, you barely knew him” or something like that. Honestly, I can’t say that I blame you because I actually thought the same things. Why was I so sad?

 

My mom told me my biological father had basically been asking for a DNA test all my life, but she always denied his request – every time. My aunt finally convinced her to just go ahead and get it done because I looked so much like the guy. My biological father also supposedly wanted to meet me and be there for me and at first, this made me happy knowing that I was finally going to have a father figure in my life. And at the end of the day, things were pretty good. At first. My “new” dad was there for me and had done so much more for me in such a short time than my other father had done in 12 years. But eventually, “new dad” basically tossed me aside like an old toy after about six to eight months. Till this day, I haven’t heard a single word from my him which would mark about 2 and a half years now. I know it’s messed up and I really I feel like he got my hopes up, but through this experience, I have learned that actions speak louder than words, and if someone wants to do something for you or be in your life they would just do it, without you even asking.

 

I got over this “new dad” situation very quickly. It was kind of like I didn’t really care - and to be honest I really kind of didn’t. Is it bad that I didn’t care? Is it bad that the reason that I don’t care is because I still consider my first father my real father?  Honestly, if you were to ask me to choose between both fathers, I’d choose my first one without hesitation. This may seem a little crazy, but I really had to take time to look at both sides of the situation. Part of me believes that maybe the reason he wasn’t around as much is because he might have known all along that I wasn’t his child.  Do you feel me? Would you stay and continue to support a child that isn’t yours? There are lots of questions in my head about this whole situation that will probably always remain unanswered. But even if they never get answered, my reality is that I am Nani – one daughter with 2 dads.

Tekeisha Meade